Portlandish: Satire and Humor from the First Portland

Worried that the next family gathering will get a little too tense? Afraid of what Uncle Ted will say about Charlottesville? Tired of Grandma muttering, “I’m not racist, but...”? Then invest in White Idea’s new Social Eclipse Glasses*--designed to help your racist family members see the light! Prescription lenses invite actual reading Built-in personal viewing screens encourage selection of well-researched, long-form articles Lenses simultaneously correct color blind ideology while illuminating the wearer’s own white privilege Microchip in bridge transmits knowledge about structural racism, including but not limited to information about redlining, the school-to-prison-pipeline, and mass incarceration Attached earpiece coaches and rewards the wearer, including the phrases, “Now is the time to listen,” “Good job,” and “Remember, this is not about you!” Enclosed leaflet offers guidelines on how to be an ally without developing a savior complex Talking about racism is awkward. Let

Dear Governor LePage, We would like to thank you for how courageous you have been in the wake of the events that took place in Charlottesville, Virginia. Your complete and utter silence conveys how deeply you are concerned about the state of racism in Maine and in the United States. After all, there’s nothing like silence in the face of violent white supremacy to convey how much you care about humanity. Though many of your Republican colleagues have denounced the racist, anti-semitic, and violent rhetoric and acts that shook Charlottesville on Saturday, August 12th, you knew you didn’t need to waste your breath on all that. In 2011, you conveyed your values in one eloquent statement, a statement meant to fill us all with hope for a brighter future, when you said of the NAACP: “kiss my butt.” This was poetry, pure poetry, and affirmed your deep commitment to healing our nation’s ruptured attempt at Reconstruction. You clearly have a deep understanding of institutionalized racism

Stevens Avenue has long been known as the one street in America where people can pursue their entire education--from kindergarten to PhD. Now, thanks to an exciting new development, people can grow old and die there, too.             Motherhouse Senior Housing, a new subdivision, is slated to provide over eighty housing units for women of a certain age as well as elder statesman. Developer Sea Coast at Baxter Woods Associates, who definitely isn’t doing this for the money, specifically chose this location because of the history of the building, the beauty of the surrounding lands, and the obvious convenience of being across the street from a graveyard .             Despite some community opposition to the development, several neighborhood residents expressed their enthusiasm about the project. Nasons Corner resident Melissa Swenson gloated about it. “I’ve been trying to get my father to move back to Maine from Florida for years. Now I will finally be able to convince him. He will love

Melissa Yearly, a resident of Russell Street in Portland’s West End, was seen at the Deering Oaks Park farmers’ market on the morning of Saturday, August 5th. According to eyewitnesses, a wad of cash sat coiled in the cup holder of a baby stroller that Yearly pushed with an air of authority.             An anonymous source confesses, “When I saw her thundering down the thoroughfare, I knew it was time to step aside. She had the look of a woman ready to make it rain in the name of local organic farming.”             Observers report that Yearly swaggered up to Green Sparks Farm and plucked out two heads of locally grown lettuce. “Can you break a one-hundred?” she said loudly, waving a crisp Benjamin under Farmer Chadd’s nose.             Then she sauntered over to Snell Family Farm, where she bought herself a bouquet. “I don’t need a man to do this for me,” she declared to Farmer Snell as she tucked the flowers into the bottom of her stroller.             The day wouldn’t be complete w

Angela and Donald Emerson, self-proclaimed lovers of Portland, didn’t quite know what to do when they received an invitation to a retirement party in North Deering, a vast and little known expanse of wilderness right here in Portland, Maine.             “Um, does anyone even live out there?” Angela laughed, clutching a Hilltop Coffee Shop mug in her hand.             Donald pondered if they should even make the risky 1.5 mile trip to the mysterious hinterland. “We can’t walk there from here,” he remarked, his eyes serious under furrowed brows, “and that’s just too far away to bike. We would have to take the Prius.” Given the considerable danger of traveling a mile and a half, Angela and Donald almost called it quits.             Still, Angela wanted to honor her manager’s retirement, so the couple prepared for their odyssey. They fully charged their cell phones in the case that North Deering was, as they had heard, off of the electrical grid. Both made phone calls to close family membe

On August 7th, city workers are slated to deliver shiny new recycling carts to every residence in Portland, ME. These large carts will hold almost four times as much refuse as the old bins used by the city. According to city planners, it is also the perfect repository for hopes, dreams, and empty antidepressant bottles.              Residents of Portland’s peninsula--many of them renters--have been wondering where they will put their carts. “I have to park on the street,” explained Morning Street resident Mara Dawson. “Where am I supposed to put the cart? My landlord is less than understanding.”             Andrew Emerson, an established self-serving asshole and landlord of the Morning Street residence, was not available for comment.             Area hobo John Akins is still weighing the pros and cons of the new carts. “Pro: there might be more bottles and cans in those carts. Con: it might be noisier to pick the bottles out. I prefer to use a subtle hand when I look for redeemables