Skip to main content

East End couple bravely attends off-peninsula gathering

Angela and Donald Emerson, self-proclaimed lovers of Portland, didn’t quite know what to do when they received an invitation to a retirement party in North Deering, a vast and little known expanse of wilderness right here in Portland, Maine.
            “Um, does anyone even live out there?” Angela laughed, clutching a Hilltop Coffee Shop mug in her hand.
            Donald pondered if they should even make the risky 1.5 mile trip to the mysterious hinterland. “We can’t walk there from here,” he remarked, his eyes serious under furrowed brows, “and that’s just too far away to bike. We would have to take the Prius.” Given the considerable danger of traveling a mile and a half, Angela and Donald almost called it quits.
            Still, Angela wanted to honor her manager’s retirement, so the couple prepared for their odyssey. They fully charged their cell phones in the case that North Deering was, as they had heard, off of the electrical grid. Both made phone calls to close family members to let them know what to do if they didn’t return.
            “Do you think we’ll lose reception?” Donald wondered aloud to Portlandish staff. “Maybe I should just put my phone into airplane mode once we cross 295?”
            At the time of printing, the couple had loaded up their car in preparation for their daring adventure into the dark unknown. They brought a map, a compass, and a water purifier as well as emergency flares in the case that they became stranded. They also decided to wear their matching Portinsula shirts so that authorities would know where to send their bodies in the case of emergency. 
            "I can't believe we're doing this," Donald said to Angela. "Whatever happens today, just know that I love you."

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Speculation about new recycling carts reaches fever pitch

On August 7th, city workers are slated to deliver shiny new recycling carts to every residence in Portland, ME. These large carts will hold almost four times as much refuse as the old bins used by the city. According to city planners, it is also the perfect repository for hopes, dreams, and empty antidepressant bottles.              Residents of Portland’s peninsula--many of them renters--have been wondering where they will put their carts. “I have to park on the street,” explained Morning Street resident Mara Dawson. “Where am I supposed to put the cart? My landlord is less than understanding.”             Andrew Emerson, an established self-serving asshole and landlord of the Morning Street residence, was not available for comment.             Area hobo John Akins is still weighing the pros and cons of the new carts. “Pro: there might be more bottles and cans in those carts. Con: it might be noisier to pick the bottles out. I prefer to use a subtle hand when I look for redeemables
2 comments
Read more

Area woman throws her money around at the farmers’ market

Melissa Yearly, a resident of Russell Street in Portland’s West End, was seen at the Deering Oaks Park farmers’ market on the morning of Saturday, August 5th. According to eyewitnesses, a wad of cash sat coiled in the cup holder of a baby stroller that Yearly pushed with an air of authority.             An anonymous source confesses, “When I saw her thundering down the thoroughfare, I knew it was time to step aside. She had the look of a woman ready to make it rain in the name of local organic farming.”             Observers report that Yearly swaggered up to Green Sparks Farm and plucked out two heads of locally grown lettuce. “Can you break a one-hundred?” she said loudly, waving a crisp Benjamin under Farmer Chadd’s nose.             Then she sauntered over to Snell Family Farm, where she bought herself a bouquet. “I don’t need a man to do this for me,” she declared to Farmer Snell as she tucked the flowers into the bottom of her stroller.             The day wouldn’t be complete w
Post a Comment
Read more

Dear Governor LePage

Dear Governor LePage, We would like to thank you for how courageous you have been in the wake of the events that took place in Charlottesville, Virginia. Your complete and utter silence conveys how deeply you are concerned about the state of racism in Maine and in the United States. After all, there’s nothing like silence in the face of violent white supremacy to convey how much you care about humanity. Though many of your Republican colleagues have denounced the racist, anti-semitic, and violent rhetoric and acts that shook Charlottesville on Saturday, August 12th, you knew you didn’t need to waste your breath on all that. In 2011, you conveyed your values in one eloquent statement, a statement meant to fill us all with hope for a brighter future, when you said of the NAACP: “kiss my butt.” This was poetry, pure poetry, and affirmed your deep commitment to healing our nation’s ruptured attempt at Reconstruction. You clearly have a deep understanding of institutionalized racism
Post a Comment
Read more